Wow. what a weekend.

“

You know, as you’re lying there crying, miserable, tired, depressed, telling me how selfish I am for denying you donor sperm, telling me that you’ll never feel a baby kick inside you, that we’ll never have those experiences.. I’m listening to you and I’m wondering why this fate was assigned to me. Before I (Me, the soul) came to this planet and and was still in the Barzakh http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barzakh was assigned to this body, I’m wondering ‘why me?’

Why was I, up there in the Barzakh, placed in this body, with these parents, in this country, in this continent, on this planet? Why was I placed in this race?
why did I have these relatives? These friends? These problems? Why was I born sterile?

Why has this fate been placed on my shoulders? This problem that you’re experiencing, this need for donor sperm.. isn’t unique to you. This problem will be shared by all women that I’m with. Every single woman, girlfriend or wife will eventually ask me the same question as you. Until I find a woman who either already has children, doesn’t want children, or can’t have children herself. That’s the type of demographic that my life has to revolve around. that’s my destiny, my fate.

And I understand the miracle of life. It’s not called a miracle for nothing – it’s THE miracle of life. Anyone can watch National Geographic: in the womb, to truly understand the magnificence of the process of falling procreation, not just in humans, but all life in general – in animals, plants. Life is Amazing. The variety is amazing. And I don’t expect you to give it up. I CAN’T expect you to give it up.

And the thing is, I’ve accepted it. I’m at peace with my creator. When we got married I vowed I’d stick to the straight path, and never veer off again. And I thought you shared the goal, the same thoughts, of reaching that fluffy pink cloud in the sky, on which angels sing and dance like there’s no tomorrow – because there IS no tomorrow. But now I see that you DON’T share that vision, that goal. That you Can’t live without children, and that you’re willing to break whatever rules need to be broken to have children.
So if you can’t life without children, and from the looks of it I see that you can’t, then I can’t be a part of your life any more – because you’re in effect being driven to commit sin (even though the choices you make are your own) and being driven by me. So I must remove myself, I must make halaal what is not. I must free you so you can have children with another man. I must divorce you. I just can’t allow you to do donor sperm..

The only option left is to get a divorce.

no no… listen… listen to me. let me finish…

The thing is… I’ve come to peace with it. So much so that I myself don’t understand it… and I’m going to say something.

I’ll probably sound crazy for saying it but I’m going to anyway……
…

LA ILLA HA ILALLAH, MUHAMADUR RASOOLULLAH.
(there is one god called Allah, Muhamad is his messenger = the “Kallimah”, Muslim declaration of belief)

“

We both ended up crying after that…

An update

Wow, it’s been a long time since I last  wrote. I went through a stage thinking it would be great if I revealed my ’secret’ identity and put a face to the words. But then I realised, after I revealed all, that it’s much harder to write honestly and spill the beans on emotional stuff and that having a pen name or writing anonymously definitely has it’s benefits. Also, writing emo stuff all over the company blog kinda isn’t the way to go. Any way, that stage has passed and I’m getting back to writing. I’ll keep this blog raw and leave the clean programming stuff for my OTHER blog.

“0pt1mu5’s guide to relationships” – Words of wisdom

“Guys; after the first year of marriage,  it is completely forbidden to sleep while your wife is awake at any time of the day. The only time you’re allowed to sleep is when your wife is sleeping but you MUST, MUST, MUST under any circumstance wake up before she does. Consequences of breaking this rule are that as time progresses in your marriage, the sleeping male moves from the realm of ‘cuteness’ in to that of ‘lazy, good-for-nothing, bastard’. “

This rule is inspired from the most valuable resource available: experience. It’s often wished that experience could simply “rain” on a person, so that they wouldn’t actually experience the experience, but often that is not the case. But experience is still valuable, be it self-acquired or third party observation.

A love-hate relationship

Yesterday we visited a Kramat (muslim burial place where esteemed muslim leaders are buried) in Simon’s Town for a (thikr) prayer session dedicated to the leader who was buried there. It was only my second time to one, but DW has been to various kramats umpteen times before. However, this was her first after we found out about the infertility saga, and DW and I exploded about it.

hope vs acceptance

[this is a copy of a post I wrote on a local forum. I've also copied and anonymized two replies and posted them below]

I don’t know if I’ve accepted my fate or if I’m still hoping… I suppose two different parts of me wants either – the left and right side of my brain.

I’ve got a father in law that’s telling me to pray and believe it’ll happen…. maybe not now, but some time, perhaps after we adopt – we just have to believe and to believe with sincerity and to never lose faith and hope.

But I know what hope does to a person who wants something. Hope turns into despondency and then depression when you don’t get what you want. Logically, acceptance is the best way to go and then push hope into the back of your mind so that you can think positively again. ??

It depends on what is in your future, doesn’t it? What if you’re not “meant to” have children and you’re just a spoilt brat that wants to satisfy your ego and be “normal” like all other animals (homo sapien-sapiens too).

??

If you accept your condition and carry on living your life and trying to make do and thus having a positive attitude with a solid foundation of what you have and what you don’t have…. perhaps that’s the way to go?

I don’t know… maybe it depends on how much you want to be “normal” ?

Depression-Inspired New-Year’s Resolution

DW had a breakdown on Saturday. She confessed to me that she’d been thinking about it non-stop for the last 2 months and can’t live with the thought that she’ll never be pregnant. That of course sent me spiralling into depression. Again.

Sleeping beauty

I was watching DW sleep and the thought hit me. She’s so beautiful, so sweet. And I looked at her eyes, her cheeks (yes, she’s got full cheeks) that one can just pinch and squeeze.. Anyway, It hit me. wanting my own child… one that’s some genetic combination of myself and DW. To hold a baby in my arms, that was the product of myself and her… what would it look like? And that’s when i realized. I don’t want somebody else’s baby – I want MY OWN! OUR OWN. With DW’s cheeks!

Apparently you get your father’s eyes? So those eyes are going to be very naughty….

Comfort eating?

I  don’t know if people are really noticing that I’m depressed or if it’s a sarcastic retort to something I say/said. I’ve been told by two people that I’m depressed… And I honestly don’t know. Am I? Look, I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t get up in the morning thinking “OOh, I’m so depressed, I don’t want to go to work”. In fact, I get up with exactly the opposite thoughts. I had an awesome week last week. I’m working on a brand new feature in my company’s software, and because I’m the only developer there (the others are on leave till next Monday) I get to work on this all by myself – which means I can pick and choose exactly where I want to start, and take my time about it. Well, sort of. So I’m HAPPY. I’m looking forward to finishing this feature myself, I’m looking forward to combining and refining the skills that I’ve learned so far, on this project. Yes, I’m HAPPY. I LIKE MY JOB. But something’s not right….

Child Welfare, workshop 2

I’m trying to find the strength to write about Adoption workshop 2 at child welfare……
It was difficult. For me.  But I want to get it off my chest and out of the way. On that day I felt like a full speed train slamming into a wall. Unwittingly, I was the train…

A good hand or a bad one?

Is our situation a good one or a bad one? Whilst browsing some forum posts on fertilicare, I noticed the scary ttc details in the signature of someone who replied to a post of mine….